somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
