you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
