In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
