He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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