Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
