my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
