Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
