The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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