Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
