just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
