Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
