mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
