Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We are all done wearing pants today
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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