When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
