My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
