The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Houston, we have a squirter
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
