how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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