toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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