I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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