Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
