My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
