Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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