i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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