Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
