I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
