sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
