but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
