fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
