Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
