imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
