Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
