??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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