Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
