I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
