Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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