Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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