my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
