if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
