Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dignity is for republicans.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
