i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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