Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
