I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
