Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
