last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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