im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
