strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
