Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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