he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
