My cat gives me a boner
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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