Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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