those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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